Friday, August 23, 2013


He is my firstborn.

Never, in a million years did I dream that he might be my last, too. We waited and prayed for him for a long time, but once he got here, we thought our troubles were past.

We were wrong.

It's not that he's not good enough.

He is perfect.

It's not that he doesn't make my life better.

He does.

It's that my heart seems to have an empty place, a void, and I can't help but wonder what could have been, what might be. But, sometimes I feel so alone.

For now, I wait, and I thank God for my little man.   


  1. Salena,

    When I was thinking about what to write today, my mind was also pondering first things that I didn't realize might be last things too.

    It's a strange thing, to feel empty and full about something at the same time. I pray that God fills that void with such great peace and joy. Maybe through all the big and little moments you will share with your little man, maybe through something completely different. But if I know one thing, it's that God promises to never leave us, to give us the desires of our heart, and to lavish us with his love that is so deep and so wide we could never find the edge of it.

    And the thing I'm most grateful for...he can handle our wrestling.

    Sorry for rambling, and thank you for sharing your heart.

  2. My heart breaks for those who are waiting on the Lord to answer their heart's desires. I have never been in your shoes, but surely I can understand the mixed emotions, of joy for your child, but of desire for another. It is so beautiful that you choose to wait and rely on Him, leaning on Him with your burdens. I pray that you can continue to be blessed by your (handsome!) son, but keep your hope alive for anything that God may put into your life down the line.

  3. i just wrote about something similar - but about my grandfather who's had so many health struggles... and our lives as missionaries. we never know when a hello might also be a last goodbye.

    it is hard - may God comfort as you seek His heart in this matter.

    and... he's simply beautiful, that sweet baby boy of yours! what a gift... what a treasure!