Thursday, February 21, 2013


I turned 32 last Friday, just five short days after my sweetheart turned 32, and just ten short days after my little man turned 3. It was a four day weekend from school, and although we didn't have any big plans, we were going to go out and do something fun as a family on Saturday since Brent's days off lined up with my time off for once. 

I slept late that morning since Chandler did too, and I enjoyed breakfast with my boys. I even got dressed to go workout and run a few errands. The plan was for Chandler and I to get out of the house for a bit while Brent slept from working the night before, and then we would decide how to spend the rest of our weekend. It was my birthday after all, and birthdays are meant to be fun and special,  especially if they happen to fall on the weekend, right?

       But then, my plans got interrupted...again.

A familiar but unwelcome guest came to our house. I began to sob at the kitchen table as the reality of what was about to occur sunk in. I told Brent that I was scared. Chandler looked at me sweetly and said, "What's wrong Mommy? You not feel good? You crying?". I would be lying if I didn't question why this was happening to me again, especially on my birthday, and especially when I work so hard to be a good mother and a decent human being.  You see, when you have been through as many miscarriages as I have (six total now), it doesn't take a doctor or ultrasound technician to tell you what is happening. You learn how to read the signs, and the signs aren't nice ones. Even though I saw and heard a strong healthy heartbeat just ten days prior, on Chandler's 3rd birthday, that afternoon, on my 32nd birthday, while Chandler was playing at his Nana's house,  my heart broke into again as we saw that our baby was no longer living.  

So, although 32 is probably not the most memorable birthday for most individuals, it is one that I will never forget. 

My doctor came in and shook his head. Like us, he had been praying that this was it for us. He's been there with us since the very first time back in March of 2008, and it gives me great comfort to know that he really does care and that he really does pray for me. He's told me more than once that I have changed the way he practices medicine. I have proven him wrong too many times, unfortunately.

He briefly went over our options, more out of requirement than necessity, and I chose once again to take the drugs that would help me miscarry at home. Although there is no good way to go through the process, at least this method allows me to suffer privately without having to wait several days and then be put under anesthesia. (I've done it that way twice, and although the procedure itself really isn't all that bad physically, the wait is very hard to endure for sure.)

Brent took me home and got me settled in before going to pick up Chandler. My big boy was so excited to be bringing home pizza. He came running in and told me what they had gotten.  I did okay, too, until he said his sweet little blessing over the meal, and then I lost it even though I told myself I wasn't going to do that in front of him. Again, in his sweet little voice he asked me if I was okay. 

I lied and said that I was. I couldn't tell him anything else. 

Thankfully, I did pull myself back together, and Chandler never knew the difference. His Daddy took over the evening and bedtime routines for the most part, and he absolutely loved it! I am just glad he didn't know what was to come later in the night. 

I wish I could have escaped it, too.

 So, on February 15, 2013 (or maybe even a few days before that), Chandler's 6th sibling went to heaven to be with Jesus. That's what keeps me going sometimes. I believe they will all be in heaven to greet me when it's my turn to go. 

My four day weekend certainly didn't turn out as I had planned, but it did end up being a blessing that I didn't have to go back to work until Tuesday. I needed that time to grieve. I needed that time with my boys.

 I am doing fine, and my life has pretty much gotten back to normal, whatever that means. Lots of individuals have promised to keep us in their prayers, and so many people have offered such kind words to us in this time of grief. I want everyone to know that we do appreciate all of it. We certainly feel the love of others, and it's wonderful to know that God has us in His hands right now even though we don't understand why we are having to go through all of this. 

If I find out the answer this side of heaven, I will be sure to let you know!

Sometimes I want to talk about all of it, and sometimes I don't. There are still days that hurt worse than others, and there are lots of dates that bring back painful memories, but thankfully I do have lots of happy memories with the sweet little boy that God has blessed me with. Like I have always believed, even before all the trials, he is my little miracle, and his Daddy and I love him with all our hearts. He is one special little boy!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for all of the following things...

        The four day weekend at home with my boys with no big plans except to spend time together
                                       A sweet Valentine dinner with these same two sweeties.

                        A super nice lunch from El Patron for my birthday from my coworkers.

                     A chance to sleep late four mornings in a row...That's what I'm talking about!

                   Dinner tomorrow night with my family to celebrate all the February birthdays.
                                  (Chandler, Brent, Me, My Dad, and My Nephew Carter)

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Happy Birthday to the Man I Love

February 10, 1981

That was five whole days before my own birth, but it was certainly a special day. It was the day that the man I love was born. We've been through a lot together in the almost 8 years that we have been married, but God has protected and cared for us through it all. It hasn't always been easy, but the most important thing is that we haven't given up on each other.

Happy Birthday Brent! I love you more than you will ever know!


Lots of things happen in 3s, and it's a very good number. However, I can't for the life of my figure out how quickly my little man turned three years old! I mean, I honestly just brought him home from the hospital a few days ago, right?  Now, at 3 feet, 4 inches tall, he's only a little more than two feet shorter than me. Before I know it, I'll be looking up at him. I just can't believe it!

He speaks in mostly clear sentences now (there are certainly still a few phrases and words that we're unsure about, but we just go along with it most of the time), he repeats things that he hears others say (so we can't keep secrets anymore!), and he's a super-sponge for sure. He's constantly asking "why", and he loves to figure out how things work and how they are put together.

He knows some of his letters by name and can even point them out, he knows his colors (and loves to argue about them), and he likes to make up his own songs and dances. He's even taking a hit lately at making up his own jokes, which he laughs and laughs about, and of course we can't help but chime in, too, just because he's so silly. We've called him a little monkey so much, that when he's in a silly mood, he calls himself a monkey. I love it!

It's also very neat to see what characteristics he has of both Brent and me. Finding out how things work and how they are put together....he gets that from his Daddy for sure. Unfortunately, he also gets his patience from his Daddy (lucky for me!). Liking to have things in order and for things to be predictable...he gets that from me. (Sometimes this drives his Daddy crazy, but I am loving it! I just hope he continues to like things in order as he gets older.) Being stubborn...well, I think he gets that from both of us. We are both pretty easy going most of the time, but get us worked up about something, and neither of us is known for giving in easily, or apologizing for that matter (even though we are both working on it). Poor Chandler! He's got a double dose!

These past three years of my life have certainly been the most adventurous, and I wouldn't change one single thing. Being a mom is the best gift in the world, and I am truly blessed to have Chandler as my son. I can't wait to see how he changes and grows more in the coming year.

                                                   Chandler was so excited about his party!