Last

He is my firstborn.

Never, in a million years did I dream that he might be my last, too. We waited and prayed for him for a long time, but once he got here, we thought our troubles were past.

We were wrong.

It's not that he's not good enough.

He is perfect.

It's not that he doesn't make my life better.

He does.

It's that my heart seems to have an empty place, a void, and I can't help but wonder what could have been, what might be. But, sometimes I feel so alone.

For now, I wait, and I thank God for my little man.   

It's like she took the words out of my mouth

... except the part about the Christmas lights! If you are a teacher, you have teacher friends, or you are a parent of a child who has teachers, I encourage you to read this.

http://petalsofjoy.org/?p=728

The Last Saturday

It's the last Saturday before I officially have to go back to work. The endless days with Chandler will be over. Monday morning is not going to be easy for me. Yes, Chandler will be with my Mama, and I won't have to worry about him for a minute, but I will anyway. I will miss him like crazy. I will probably cry as I drive away. This is the last year he will stay full-time with his Grandmama and Nana during the week. He and I are both a little spoiled to say the least.

Today, Brent and I planned to take him to a really neat (and FREE!) event we heard about in Gainesville called Touch a Truck. Kids can explore and ride in/on all kinds of trucks and tractors. It's the kind of event that has Chandler's name written all over it! We even discussed the possibility of taking him for a boat ride out on the lake since he's been asking to go.

The problem was, those were our plans.

Unfortunately, Chandler woke up at his regular time of 7:10 a.m,  and soon after, the diarrhea came. We were a little disappointed at first that we were staying in, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise. We accomplished more around the house than we ever would have if we had gone out today, and we still got to spend lots of time together.

I even got some extra snuggles since he wasn't feeling so great. He really wanted some spoiling, and I was glad to give it. I think I held him and carried him more today than I have all summer. It was good for my heart.

Now, Chandler is all snuggled in his bed, and he'll soon be asleep. He seems to be feeling better, and we are hoping it was just a 24 hour bug.

I am so thankful for this summer I have had at home with my sweet little man, and I am so thankful for today. God knew exactly what He was doing. Our plans may not always work out, but His are perfect in every way.

Five Minute Friday {Lonely}

I've been reading posts of friends who have been linking up with Lisa-Jo for a while. The idea is to blog for 5 minutes about a topic that she posts each Friday. It's not about fancy wording or trying to impress others. It's about writing from the heart.

Today's word is lonely. It grabbed me.

I am not lonely in the sense that I have no friends and family. The complete opposite is true. I have lots of people around me that I love and care for very much. They love me, too, and it's all good and wonderful, except sometimes I do feel so different from everyone around me, so lonely.

Since April of 2008, I have been pregnant 8 times. I have one sweet, precious little 3 1/2 year old boy who completely has my heart. I am very thankful for him, but I ache and yearn for the babies that I never got to see and never got to hold. When people hear of my story, they have sympathy. Most of them are even good listeners and check on me from time to time, but I have never known anyone in real life who has gone through the same thing as me.

I would love to find someone who has had the same diagnosis as me- Robertsonian translocation. Being a part of an online support group is good, but it's just not the same as chatting face to face with someone who really understands it all...

My Little Blessing

I have been striving lately to really take in the small moments of my life. At 3 1/2, Chandler is growing up way faster than I ever dreamed he would. It took forever for him to get here, and when he finally did, someone hit the fast forward button, and all I want to do is slow things down a bit. I just want him to be my baby for a little while longer. Time is moving way too quickly for my liking. It's important for me to slow down and enjoy this time with my son.

He is such a sponge. He has a large vocabulary that sometimes surprises me. (The other day he was talking about his "coworkers" while he played, and you can count on him being able to name all the equipment and vehicles we see on the road from excavators, cranes, backhoes, and dump trucks, to Mustangs, Jeeps, Toyotas, and motorcycles.)

He pays attention to details and remembers things that happened a long time ago. In this way he is like me.  (He still remembers that Brent took his truck to the Quality Food parking lot when he was trying to sell it, and that was about 13 months ago. He notices what people drive and what people are wearing.)

He loves and pretty much thrives on routine. (If you do something once with him, you better be prepared to do it over and over again. He doesn't forget!) He has a sense of humor and he laughs a lot. (He has lots of his own silly phrases and songs, as well as a few he has picked up from others. Ask him what his name is, and depending on the day it can vary from Ernie Bob, to Fred, to Jackson or Sam.)

He asks a million and one questions a day. (Who is that, Mama? What are they doing, Mama? Why are they doing that, Mama? What is that, Mama? Where are we going, Mama?) Sometimes when I don't know the answer to his questions, it's not good enough for him, and he tries to figure out his own answer. (His teachers will either love him or hate him for this one day!) 

He loves to help do things, and he's quite good at it, too. (He regularly helps me load and unload the car when we go somewhere. Tonight when we stopped by Ingles on the way home from church, he insisted on putting everything in the cart, and he helped the checkout girl, too. Then when we got home, he couldn't wait to help me take everything in.)

He likes for things to be in their place. He can make a big mess with the best of them, but he notices if something is not where it should be. He has been known to move things back to where they belong. (Brent usually rolls his eyes when he does this. The poor guy is probably going to end up having two Type-A personalities in his house!) 

He's a little bit stubborn. (I think he got all of that from his Daddy for sure!) He's a lot sweet. (He prays for everyone he loves every night, and he still gives lots of hugs and kisses.) Most importantly, he is mine, and I love him more than I ever knew I could love someone. I am completely smitten.